i don’t know when exactly i first had it.
i think i was 4 or 5. her name was hale. and she had the smoothest light brown hair ever. it was a beautiful honey-color. straight. and mind you, when it comes to hair i neither like light brown nor straight.
my mother was young and social back then. she would invite the neighbors over for tea each month. hale’s house was right accross the street and she was almost always present in these gatherings. i remember hiding under the coffee table pretending to play with my toys. as the youngest member of the group, she would often approach the coffee table to refill the neighbors’ tea cups and plates. i would look at her legs, not quite knowing why.
i guess i blushed a lot around her, because she called me red-cheeks. old fat ladies with hot wet palms would squueze my cheeks to death and throw me back on the floor when they were done. but hale was not like them. she was gentle. she always smiled. i wonder if that’s why i was so attracted to her.
this is as further back as i can go with the butterflies, if of course i should call this as having the butterflies for hale.
well… i often caught myself staring at her balcony-even when she was not there. i got excited when my mom announced that she would have a tea party that week. i would convince my mother to buy the specific kinds of pastries that hale liked. my heart started beating wildly when i saw her in the street. i liked the way she squeezed my cheeks. i looked at her legs. and i remember the color of her hair even after 30 years.
if this is not once having the butterflies, then i don’t know what is.
there was this kid under the coffee table, staring at your legs hale. she grew up now. she is touching other girls legs. and she wonders how you would react back then, if you could tell that she were a lesbian. if some day, you bent down to squueze her cheeks and caught her looking at your breasts. or even worse, looking at you with those eyes.
i wonder what your reaction would be.
(i wonder what my reaction would be.)
how the hell would one react to a 5 year old lesbian?