i don’t tell her because i know she will not understand it. she doesn’t have that concept in her mind. she could not picture two men or two women together. she wouldn’t be able to imagine how we have sex. the pieces would not fit together.
and frankly speaking, i think she has enough trouble in her own life. why cause her any more trouble? why ask her to be a part of it? -i would very much like to be honest with her, but i can’t just drag anybody into this. i’m already used to it, but what is a 60 something year old to do in front of all those homophobic people? how is she to confront the people around her? how could she face the society when she even has difficulty facing her own wrinkled face in the mirror?
her god is different than mine. he sends people to hell to punish them. and he awards the ones that were good with heaven. my god awards me everyday. i feel thankful to him for every breath i take. i can take a walk in a busy street in rush hour, look at the trees on the sidewalk and feel i’m in heaven. and i’m already in hell when i have to lie to people i love. this is my heaven, and my hell. so how could i explain her all this? where would one begin? and how far could one go?
and how does one say it?
should i just make some tea and sit on the sofa and tell her “mom, i have something to tell you. i’m gay. i have lived a double life for the past 20 something years, and i don’t regret it. i just had to tell you. now i tell you. there.”
noone has ever broke the news to me that they are heterosexual, why should i tell a heterosexual that i’m gay?
i don’t ask for forgiveness. i have done my best not to hurt anyone all my life. i don’t ask for permission. i fell in love with whoever i wanted all my life. i don’t need her help. i’m happy the way i am. so why should i tell her? to be honest with her?
how can you tell someone that you have been lying to them the past 20 years? this is not “honey, i lied i ate the last piece of cake”. this is all the stay-overs in friends houses, the holidays, the trips around the world and business trips. all of them.
i can’t tell her. i refuse to make her upset and i refuse to be the cause of any pain. she is happy daydreaming that her little girl will have babies some day. i won’t take it away from her. no, i won’t.
happy birthday mom.
hope life treats you better sometime very soon.
and i hope your dreams come true some day.